Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
