wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
