That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize