I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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