My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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