I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize