just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
