you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize