Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
