Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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