Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
