peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
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