i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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