HIV tests are more positive than that guy
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
