you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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