I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
