WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
