So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I FOUND THE LEGS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
