im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
