So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
