if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
