i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
