So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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