I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
