I accidentally burped into my bong.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
