The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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