how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize