Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
