I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize