why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
