just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
