Swine flu. Run for my life!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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