dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
