I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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