There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
