i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
