Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
