chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
