Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i think i just lost a toe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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