I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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