If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm passing your future prison.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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