My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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