i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Is Oprah even human
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize