Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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