Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
