i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
