i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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