I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
