He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize