Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
