I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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