True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
