Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
