Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When are your genitals available?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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