I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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