When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
It's just like the Real World with babies
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
