maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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