My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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