To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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