Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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