Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
