new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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