I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
