I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
