So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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