if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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