sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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