I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
please don't ironically join a cult
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