A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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