I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
