my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
