I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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