you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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