So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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