I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
