Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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