there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
