I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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