he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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