My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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