I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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