It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
